{"id":60181,"date":"2017-08-01T09:05:15","date_gmt":"2017-08-01T16:05:15","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/midvalleysports.com\/?p=60181"},"modified":"2017-08-01T11:38:27","modified_gmt":"2017-08-01T18:38:27","slug":"fanview-august-1-2017","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/midvalleysports.com\/?p=60181","title":{"rendered":"Fanview: August 1, 2017"},"content":{"rendered":"
\"\"<\/a>

“Why have you done this to <\/span>me,<\/span> Demi?”<\/span><\/strong><\/p><\/div>\n

By Joe Torosian<\/p>\n

\u201cNow go get your shine box!\u201d\u2014Billy Batts<\/strong><\/p>\n

Relax, take it easy!<\/p>\n

Right off the Top:<\/strong> I was working at a camp last week, and the speaker was talking about the Exodus of the Hebrews from Egypt, and I began to wonder\u2026what if Pharoah was Pharoah of the SGV and a huge football fan?<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

Moses comes to Pharoah and says, \u201cLet my people go!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWho is the Lord,\u201d Pharoah says, \u201cthat I should obey him?\u201d<\/p>\n

Moses then tells Pharoah that his valley is going to be hit with ten plagues until he relents and lets Moses\u2019 people go. But Pharoah hardens his heart and says, \u201cNo way!\u201d<\/p>\n

So Moses takes his staff and sticks it in the ground at Covina District Stadium\u2019s fifty-yard-line, and all the stadiums in Pharoah\u2019s lands were stricken with Activities Principal\u2019s giving school marching bands priority over the football teams.<\/p>\n

A cry rose in the land, but Pharoah hardened his heart even more.<\/p>\n

Then Moses took his staff and pointed once in each direction of the four winds, and all of the prep football teams in the land saw their best players transfer to either Bishop Amat or Cathedral. These schools lost no player to transfer, and they became stronger.<\/p>\n

A cry, again, rose in the land, but Pharoah\u2019s heart remained hardened.<\/p>\n

So then Moses struck Pharoah\u2019s professional team with the signing of Case Keenum!<\/p>\n

The people of the land wailed and moaned and said, \u201cSurely, it is better for us to die than to suffer Case Keenum at quarterback!\u201d<\/p>\n

But Pharoah, his neck stiff with pride, ignored his people.<\/p>\n

Then Moses pulled out his wallet and threw it to the ground. He marched twice around it and tapped it with his staff\u2026And ticket prices for all football games big and small, amateur and pro, increased ten-fold.<\/p>\n

The people pleaded for Pharoah to let Moses\u2019 people go but he would not.<\/p>\n

Then Moses stood on the highest mountain of the land and slowly waved his hand over it and Time Warner took dominion of all football broadcasts, and the people went into the street tearing at their clothes and shouting to heaven for relief as only half of them were able to get Time Warner.<\/p>\n

Pharoah then decreed that all his people must attend football games and ignore the sorcery of Moses. The people obeyed and left their home but were stuck in a plague of traffic more horrendous than any drive to La Mirada<\/p>\n

But fearing Pharoah, the people pressed on through the traffic\u2026And Pharoah smiled as the people came closer to their stadiums\u2026 \u201cWho is Moses that I should obey his word or his God?\u201d<\/p>\n

Moses then called down a sixth plague on the land\u2026As the people arrived at their stadiums, all the parking lots in the valley turned into the parking lots at West Covina and San Gabriel\u2026and Cathedral\u2026Attendants at the gates charged $12.00 to park in these lots.<\/p>\n

The people called upon Pharoah, but his heart became even more hardened.<\/p>\n

Moses then planted his staff at the entrance to the land\u2019s greatest stadium which was home to Pharoah\u2019s favorite team\u2026and his favorite team hired Les Snead as its General Manager and Snead proceeded to trade away multiple draft picks to acquire an overrated quarterback and draft no offensive linemen.<\/p>\n

After this plague of Snead, Moses returned to Pharoah and said, \u201cLet my people go!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGo and take your troubles with you!\u201d Pharoah answered.<\/p>\n

But as Moses left, Pharoah\u2019s heart hardened like that of an Almont League fan, and he refused to let the people go.<\/p>\n

Time passed and the prep football season continued until the seventh week when the eighth plague struck\u2026CIF issued forfeits for ineligible players on all of the first place teams in the land. Including the team that Pharoah\u2019s son played for.<\/p>\n

Weeping and gnashing of teeth struck the people as the playoffs began with Keppel, Ganesha, Gladstone and Blair all having number one seeds.<\/p>\n

Then Moses heaped a ninth plague on the land\u2014All the players in the NFL went on strike, and the playoffs and post-season were canceled.<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>Pharoah called Moses into his presence. \u201cDepart from me you evil man and take your people with you for the next time I see your face you will surely die.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWe will go,\u201d Moses said. \u201cBut if you stop us again it will be by your hand that the greatest of all plagues will fall upon the valley\u2026and then we will leave, and you will be unable to stop us.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGo!\u201d Pharoah shouted.<\/p>\n

As Moses left he high-fived his brother Aaron and a cheer came up from his people.<\/p>\n

Pharoah’s heart hardened as if he was a fan of Hacienda Heights Wilson. He reached for his cell phone and wrote a text to his general to prevent the people from leaving and to slay Moses\u2026He hit send\u2026The process bar moved across screen\u2026one\/third\u2026half\/way\u2026three\/quarters\u2026and then it froze.<\/p>\n

At the final hardening of Pharoah\u2019s heart Moses raised his staff, cleared his throat, and shouted to the sky, and every Wifi connection to every satellite and router in Pharoah\u2019s land went to dark.<\/p>\n

People fell dead in the streets. When the smart phones stopped working at the dining tables, peoples faces fell forward into their meals because conversation was too much to bear. People slipped into comas because there were no messages boards to troll, students to call out, coaches to denigrate, lies to spread or careers to ruin.<\/p>\n

And the hearts of those who survived found rest as Moses and his people departed the valley.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

Moral story\u2014let\u2019s not be angry\u2026.After all, we could be San Francisco Giants fans\u2026<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>Midbits (same as \u2018Tidbits\u2019)<\/strong>
\nMidbits:<\/strong> For the record, when I said the Dodgers weren\u2019t going to win the World Series in my last column that was not an effort to curse Clayton Kershaw\u2026Kershaw could throw a perfect game in the LCS against the New York Mets and I\u2019d be good with it\u2026I\u2019m sorry that he\u2019s out\u2026and it will be interesting to see if the Dodgers can rally again like last year.<\/p>\n

Midbits:<\/strong> The Dodgers didn\u2019t spend a lot on Yu Darvish (Willie Calhoun could be special) but they might not get a lot either. I guess an ERA over four in the sabermetric economy is okay.<\/p>\n

Midbits:<\/strong> I\u2019m kind of excited about Sonny Gray being traded to the Yankees\u2026I might pick up a few more points for my fantasy team.<\/p>\n

Midbits:<\/strong> If it\u2019s going to be muggy, overcast and wet could I at least get a little thunder out of the deal? Some wrath of God like I just stole the Ark of the Covenant ka-booms?<\/p>\n

Midbits:<\/strong> Since my positive vibes couldn\u2019t push the Mets across the finish line\u2026I\u2019m forced to go into bitterman mode\u2026Which means I\u2019m rooting for anybody but the Dodgers\u2026Unless it\u2019s the Astros\u2026I really don\u2019t like the Astros\u2026Why? 1980\u2026Art Howe\u2026Dave Goltz\u2026<\/p>\n

The Dude abides\u2026<\/p>\n

670<\/p>\n

Job 14:6<\/p>\n

Contact Joe at joe@midvalleysports.com<\/p>\n

Author of \u201cTangent Dreams: A High School Football Novel\u201d & \u201cThe Dead Bug Tales\u201d both available through amazon.com and Barnes & Noble<\/p>\n

Follow Joe on Twitter @joet13b<\/p>\n

Follow \u201cJoe Torosian\u2019s Books\u201d on Facebook<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Joe Torosian \u201cNow go get your shine box!\u201d\u2014Billy Batts Relax, take it easy! Right off the Top: I was working at a camp last week, and the speaker was talking about the Exodus of the Hebrews from Egypt, and I began to wonder\u2026what if Pharoah was Pharoah of the SGV and a huge football […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"ngg_post_thumbnail":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[6],"tags":[260,3542,365,5761,8661,12887,12866],"class_list":["post-60181","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-fanview","tag-fanview","tag-joe-t","tag-joe-torosian","tag-mid-valley-sports","tag-mvs","tag-tangent-dreams-a-high-school-football-novel","tag-the-dead-bug-tales"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/midvalleysports.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/60181","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/midvalleysports.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/midvalleysports.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/midvalleysports.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/midvalleysports.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=60181"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"http:\/\/midvalleysports.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/60181\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":60188,"href":"http:\/\/midvalleysports.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/60181\/revisions\/60188"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/midvalleysports.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=60181"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/midvalleysports.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=60181"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/midvalleysports.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=60181"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}